The bell tolls for thee

Several years ago I started my first blog, to chronicle a distinct part of my life. I am still posting to that blog more than five years later, but because it's tied to a specific part of my life, it sits dormant many months of the year.

In 2007 I started a blog to write about anything and everything that tickled my fancy. That was my slice-of-life blog. I ended it in the summer of 2011. The timing seemed right.

I started writing columns for inboxcupid.com in the spring of 2011. That didn't last long. I posted my material here and decided I'd spend a month or so writing about dating and relationships. I wasn't sure what format I'd use since my writing was no longer for a dating website audience. This blog has no audience, really, it simply became a place for me to write about something other than crime and government.

I don't know how many more years I'll write for my first blog. I started to run out of things to write about a couple of years ago, although I found new things to write about during 2011. Without going into detail, the blog is like a historical record of one aspect of my life, and when that chapter of my life comes to an end, so will that blog. I don't do things for the benefit of that blog, that blog follows the experiences in my life, the choices I make and why I make them.

My four-year slice-of-life blog was inspired by a friend whose blog I stumbled upon. When I stumbled upon it, I didn't know the author, but I enjoyed his writing. I responded to his columns at length, and he encouraged me to put my own thoughts down in blog form. I did. More than four years later I still haven't met the Wisconsin resident that inspired my blog. His blog ceased within a year of mine starting for reasons beyond his control. He also stopped reading my blog regularly when he was no longer actively penning a blog of his own, so he might not have a clue that my blog died this past summer. Nonetheless we communicate by email occasionally and are determined to get together for a Major League Baseball game one of these seasons.

The dead blog chronicled personal thoughts as well as opinions and observations on some very obscure topics. The blog was anonymous, but I did share it with a handful of people. I'm pretty sure they stopped reading it, too, even though I posted new items regularly. I was at a low point this summer when I decided to pull the plug on the blog. I was afraid I'd be too personal and too honest, and even though it seemed my friends weren't reading it, I couldn't take the chance that one of them might read what I was liable to write.

I don't have a truckload of stories about bad dates and painful experiences, although I could have come up with several more stories about the wacky world of dating had I been inspired to do so. Without the potential of an audience for this blog, however, the inspiration is lacking. As with my previous blog, I had no interest in attaching my name to this blog or begging my friends to read what I was writing.

During the past month I came up with a few topics I enjoyed writing about and shared a few thoughts I might not have expressed had I felt compelled to shape them in the form of a full-fledged column for inboxcupid.com. I really wanted to write columns that generated interaction with an audience, something I really haven't had through my other blogs. I didn't get that via inboxcupid.com, either, save for one person whose writings I have enjoyed, even if our discourse has been limited.

I won't say this blog is dead, but I'm not sure I'll ever have a compelling reason to add another chapter. This blog will not be about any future highs, or the subsequent lows, of my life, and I'm not sure I want to expend the energy to share memories or thoughts about dating and relationships when there's little chance I'll reach more than one person. If there's a place in my life for that, there are other ways it can be accomplished.

So once again I'm a man without a blog, for the most part. I'm not sure if I should feel liberated or empty inside.

Are there chick flicks for men?

I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie over the weekend.

I never saw the first one and had no interest in seeing the new one, but a friend invited me to join him on Saturday night, so I accepted, as I wasn't going to have any other offers that night. My time would have been better spent writing Christmas cards or working on a long, tedious winter project I have vowed to complete, but I chose instead to suffer through a Saturday night screening of a blockbuster film during its opening weekend. (It wasn't bad, but I don't enjoy the big screen experience all that much, as annoying people irritate me in a hurry.)

I don't get excited by much of what Hollywood churns out these days. It's not that I'm sophisticated and too highbrow for the latest Tom Cruise action flick, I just don't find a lot of movies to be that entertaining. Actually, I'm rather dumb when it comes to those smart, sophisticated flicks. I struggle to follow the nuances of many movies and often fail to see the brilliance of stories other people rave about.

I see the occasional superhero flick, forgettable comedy or disposable horror flick, but what I like as much as anything is compelling storytelling. Although many of them are a little too cheesy, I enjoy chick flicks. Many of them lack the sharp, memorable writing that sticks with you months or years down the road, but they need a compelling story to carry the film, even if the story relies on some fantastical element.

So what's the opposite of a chick flick, and what movies would fall under that classification? Are there genuine male chick flicks? One of my favorite movies, Kevin Smith's "Chasing Amy," might be the male version of a chick flick. It's driven by characters and story, with relationships woven into the story line, yet it has humor and biting dialogue that you don't get in a typical chick flick.

If I'm right, if Chasing Amy is the male chick flick, why can't I find more of them in the theater, or are they out there and I'm just not noticing them?

So many questions

I find myself asking a lot of questions these days.

I don't ask them out loud, only in my head. There are many, many questions, and I'd love to know the answers.

I think I have long asked these questions, but I probably ask them more often, and am more cognizant of them, when I'm drifting aimlessly through life as a single person.

What are these questions I'm asking?

"Why would anybody marry that dope?"

"Why would anybody put up with her?"

"Why am I not surprised he has a trophy wife?"

I spend a lot of time wondering about the personal lives of people I see, meet or work with.

It's a sad little game I play, and it makes me wonder what people who know me, or pass me in the mall, think when they see me.

Manufactured friendship?

More than a decade ago I was working one night per week at a bar in Bloomington, the biggest suburb in the Twin Cities. One of my co-workers, Shawn, invited me to a social gathering somewhere on the east side of the Twin Cities. He was a good guy, and is a Facebook friend today. I haven't seen him in several years, but he found me on Facebook for whatever reason, so we keep in touch, virtually.

I'm not sure how or why Shawn became connected to a particular social circle he was a part of, but he invited me to join him at a gathering one summer evening. It became clear to me during the party that this wasn't your typical social gathering. No, it wasn't an orgy, there was nothing illicit occurring, at least not that I was aware of. There was a bonfire, alcohol and modest socializing. It was like any other party, except it was a contrived social group. I don't remember how or why these fine folks found each other, but they were a collection of random people who sought out a social group.

The Internet was in its infancy back then. That doesn't mean this group wasn't engaged in social networking before social networking became mandatory, but I didn't sense it was a cutting-edge group blazing a trail all would soon follow. I sensed this was a group of people who had found their way to each other through the old-fashioned channels, whatever they were.

I don't remember much about that night, other than a guy asking me if I was new to the group. That's when it became clear to me that the social gathering was contrived.

That didn't make it wrong, but it was far from organic.

Given the fact that I just spent a Saturday night cleaning my unheated apartment -- don't ask -- you'd think I'd welcome any chance for human contact. I wouldn't argue against that, but I still struggle with the concept of contrived human contact.

Thanks to the Internet you can find a group of strangers to gather with in major cities across America on almost any given night. If you live in International Falls, Minn., you're still fucked, but in major metropolitan areas there are plenty of random strangers waiting to socialize.

One of my best friends is a big user of meetup.com, a website dedicated to bringing strangers together. I have no problem with the concept, and I admire people who find others with common interests via meetup.com.

My friend is far from anti-social, and has no problem making friends, especially given the fact that she travels about the country for her job on a consistent basis and is meeting new people every single day of her life. She uses meetup.com to further expand her social networks, and she knows a lot of great people thanks to meetup.com.

Meetup.com has networking groups for every social, political, health and educational niche you can imagine. And then there are groups that are run by my friend, groups that exist purely for social gatherings.

My friend started out as a member of one such social group and eventually became an assistant organizer of events for the group. For political reasons she ended up leaving that group and starting a similar group. With the help of others she plans social activities that run the gamut. Last night she had a holiday party at a bar in St. Paul.

I've become somewhat anti-social in my old age, and no matter how progressive it might seem to participate in an online social network I struggle with the idea that it's a bit desperate of a concept. Despite my reservations I attended the holiday party.

The party attracted a variety of people who don't seem to mind socializing under such contrived circumstances. There had to be at least a 30-year span between the youngest and oldest participant. Some of those who attended were regulars at such events, some were brand new to the group. I ended up talking to a woman who has participated in other meetup.com groups, but was new to my friend's group.

This social group is not intended to serve as a dating pool, but according to my friend her group has sparked more than a few relationships. I'm unclear why people attend such functions, but there's a group of regulars, and always somebody new showing up to the larger group gatherings that happen occasionally, as far as I can tell. There's a small membership fee, per se, but it's not much, and I'm not sure it's mandatory, actually. There's no pre-screening of participants, all that is required of first-timers is a willingness to track down a group of strangers at a set time and place.

If I moved to Las Vegas tomorrow, meetup.com might provide a great resource to meet people interested in a variety of things that interest me, or meet people who are outgoing and always interested in meeting new people, regardless of their interests.

The idea of meeting people at a bar through a pre-arranged event instead of randomly wandering into a bar makes all the sense in the world. So why do I find the concept so perplexing, and why don't I find it more appealing?

A question

If you are highly respected in your profession, earn a good salary, live comfortably and enjoy your time away from the office, are you considered more successful in life if you're married? Are you looked at as less successful if you're single?

So now what?

This is my third blog.

I have one that is seasonal, so it sits dormant most of the year. I have another that I retired earlier this year. And for now I have this one.

My name is not attached to any of my blogs, although the seasonal blog is quasi-public, and I have shared some of my writing with friends and co-workers. It's no secret that it's my blog, but my name is not tied to it.

My anonymous blog was not entirely secret, either. I shared the link with a precious few people, people who either tired of my writing or just didn't care enough to keep up with it. The blog was random and allowed me to experiment with my writing. I also used it for therapeutic value on occasion. When there was danger of it becoming too therapeutic earlier this year, I decided it was time to end it. The blog still exists, I do go back and read things from it occasionally, but I no longer provide fresh content.

I have thought about starting a new anonymous blog, but haven't had the urge to do so. The challenge in doing so is that I'll want to refer back to things I wrote in my previous online life, but I won't want the old and new blog to be connected. It's a sticky wicket.

Prior to ending my anonymous blog I started penning columns for inboxcupid.com. My contributions were intermingled with the writings of others, and although it was labeled a blog, I considered what I was writing to be more like columns you'd see periodically in a newspaper.

When I was granted the privilege of penning columns for Inbox Cupid I didn't know how the site would evolve, or if my columns would garner a following. As detailed previously, my career as an online dating site columnist was over in short order. Perhaps I'll get a second chance at online stardom, but I'm not expecting it.

When I launched my column I decided I would write anonymously. Part of the reason I chose to do so is that I'm nobody special, so it doesn't matter if my name is attached to the columns. There seemed to be no reason to attach a name to the column, so I opted not to.

Now that I have moved my columns to a blog site, I have to ask myself a few questions.

How long are you going to continue this blog?
The idea behind my columns was to interact with my readership. As noted previously, I don't have a readership to interact with at this point, and I'm not promoting this blog, in part because I don't know how to effectively do so. And my experience with blogs, as both a writer and a reader, is that most people have a passing interest in what you're doing. Without a major push by an established entity, the blog will never take off. Therefore I intend to pen a few thoughts during the remainder of 2011. That's the extent of my commitment to the brilliance I have demonstrated thus far.

Are you going to remain anonymous? 
Yeah, pretty much. I'm certainly not going to promote my writing to anyone I know. I did share my columns with a co-worker, who provided the inspiration for the last column Inbox Cupid published. But I had no interest in promoting my efforts to my Facebook universe, and that's not going to change now.

What will I or won't I write about, given that this blog site is anonymous?
Part of me would love to share my thoughts and feelings about life and my place in this world. It might be cathartic to cut open a vein and write about how I ended up where I am today. But I'm not interested in doing that right now.

So now what?
For the next month I have a platform to share my observations about relationships and the world around me. How many blog entries that results in, I don't know, nor do I know what the topics will be. If for some reason I am inspired to continue in 2012, so be it. If not, the world will survive without me. In that I have no doubt.

Heavy lifting

Is it safe to assume that most people reading an online blog about dating have been through the experience of moving to a new home or apartment?

Think back to the last time you moved. Did you move by yourself? Did you load that U-Haul truck on your own? Did you carry that couch out of the old second-floor apartment by yourself? Probably not.

When it's time to move you recruit the help of your friends or relatives. Why? Because it's too difficult to move all your crap on your own.

That's the way I look at life.

Sure, you can accomplish most of life's challenges without the help of others, but periodically you need somebody else's help to meet the challenges of day-to-day life.

I see/hear it periodically: people who are in a long-term relationship envy those of us who are free to sit up late at night eating saltines and watching mindless television without having to answer to another person. The grass is always greener, they say.

Some people really don't want to share their life with anyone else. I think they're in the minority. I don't know that for a fact, it's just my theory.

The longer you go through life as a single person, the more challenging it gets to break the cycle, I believe. Eventually you get to a point where you assume all hope is lost, and stop trying.

You still want somebody there to help you with the heavy lifting, but you start to believe you're going to have to do it all yourself.

I have never been a tough guy. I learned years ago I didn't want to do all the heavy lifting on my own, but most days I have nobody to help me with it. And now my back hurts.