Ten types of guys using online dating

I’ve read more personal ads than I care to admit, but confession is good for the soul, so here it goes. 

Once upon a time personal ads were limited to the printed page. Back in the late 1990s I read plenty of free 35-word ads in City Pages, a Minneapolis alternative newspaper. (The alternative media, Jerry. That’s where you hear the truth.) I even placed one of those ads, and thought I hit the jackpot when I met Mary. She didn’t feel the same way, evidently.

Since the demise of newspaper personal ads I have viewed hundreds of online ads on both free dating sites and members-only sites, such as match.com. Many paid sites will let you register and browse for free, and that’s all you need to do to find out which of the office MILFs is trolling online for Mr. Perfect. If you work in a large office setting, I recommend playing that game, I can just about guarantee you’ll find Betty in accounting or Chuck in IT.

Most of the ads I’ve read are from women seeking men, but I have read more than a few ads by men seeking women. Call it market research, scouting the competition or a self-esteem boost, it doesn’t matter to me. All I know is that there are 10 types of men who respond to personal ads. Or am I wrong?

These aren’t mutually exclusive. Here’s what I have come up with:

1. The young and fun guy. He’s typically in his 20s, perhaps a college graduate and lines up with about 1,000 other guys in his demographic for a $5 beer at an overcrowded, overhyped party bar on the weekend. He knows a ton of people, is connected to thousands more via social networks and could get a date any time he wanted. What he typically doesn’t admit to himself is that those potential dates usually aren’t old enough to hang at the bar with him. If confronted with the fact he has an online ad he’ll blow it off as if it was a lark after a night of mas Coronas.

2. The socially conscious guy. He doesn’t believe in the trendy trappings that entice the young and fun guy, he has reached a higher state of consciousness. He might be in his 20s, but there are plenty of guys in their 30s who buy vintage button downs at the secondhand store, too. He’s looking to meet his soul mate at a coffee shop, environmental rally or indie rock concert, but he’s open to meeting a like-minded, quasi-political woman online.

3. The outdoorsman. He’s a laborer during the week, hunter and angler on the weekend. He’s a good guy to know if you need new brake pads for your Pontiac or a ceiling fan installed. He may be a rugged outdoorsman, but unlike his ancestors, he has adapted to modern times. He has a depth finder and underwater camera for the boat, as well as a GPS receiver in his Smartphone. That Smartphone also enables him to dabble in online dating. He is looking for an all-American woman. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older, as it takes several years of employment to afford the truck, boat and snowmobile.

4. The road warrior. He’s not an outlaw biker, but he plays one on the streets and highways of your city. Whether it’s a crotch rocket for cruising around the metropolitan area or a Harley for weekends spent cruising the highways and byways of America, he lives to ride, and rides to live. He likes selling his bad boy persona, even though he is likely confined by the same socio-economic trappings as everyone else. Hence he finds his way to an online dating site. A younger warrior likely favors a crotch rocket, an older warrior usually rides a Harley since they’re typically easier on his back.

5. The successful guy. This guy defies logic, as he is successful in most everything he does. He has a great job, drives a nice car and is well connected to a network of equally successful working professionals. There’s no challenge this guy can’t conquer, yet somehow true love has eluded him. He’d probably tell you that because he has been so busy succeeding in every aspect of his life he just hasn’t had the time to meet the right person. He may be right, but more than likely it’s no accident that he is single. If he’s not looking for his female counterpart then he’s looking for a trophy wife who will put him on a pedestal. Occasionally this role is played by a guy in his late 20s, but this is more often the domain of guys in their 30s and 40s.

6. The hopeless romantic. This guy has so much to give, and will pour his heart out in a personal ad, or response to yours. He may very well be a nice guy with plenty to offer, but he lacks a certain something, perhaps through no fault of his own. He is likely looking for a woman in a similar situation to his. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older and are using online ads out of a sense of desperation. They don’t want life to pass them by.

7. The doting father. These guys are in their 20s or 30s. They are relationship veterans, typically, and won’t let their parenting responsibilities interfere with their personal life. They don’t neglect their children, but they don’t have custody of them, so they tend to think of themselves as single guys with no strings attached when they set out to begin a new life. They’re the male version of born-again virgins and not that interested in dating women with children.

8. The second lifer. The second lifer may also be the successful guy, hopeless romantic or road warrior. What sets them apart from their contemporaries is that they’ve already experienced the circle of life. They have adult children and are looking to start anew. Some set theirs sites on a younger woman, others are interested in women their age, so long as they’re camera ready for a future installment of Real Housewives of New Jersey. If a second lifer is 48 years old, he won’t date a 48-year-old woman if she looks 48. If he’s looking for love online, appearance is highly important to him.

9. The retiree. Increasingly people in their 60s and 70s are turning to online personals to find that second or third spouse, ideally the last one they’ll ever need. They’re often online because they want access to pictures of their grandchildren on Facebook, but once they learn their way around the Internet they learn there’s online love available to them, too. A retiree is not likely to kid himself, he’s not going to try to sell himself to women half his age. If he could afford to be a sugar daddy, he wouldn’t be wasting his time online.

10. The dirtbag. The dirtbag may disguise himself as the young and fun guy, successful guy or the hopeless romantic. What sets him apart from all the rest is that he’s only looking to get in a woman’s pants. The term player is sometimes used to describe a dirtbag, yet by definition a player isn’t a dirtbag, so long as he is playing with other players.  When a player misleads a woman who is looking for a relationship, he ascends to the dirtbag throne. The epitome of the dirtbag is the guy who is married or has a girlfriend but doesn’t let the technicality that is a wife or girlfriend interfere in his extra-curricular activities. Unlike players, a cheater who seeks out his female counterpart isn’t exempt from the dirtbag crown.

So, who did I miss?

Guys, what types of women have you found through online ads? Women, did I miss a category of men who respond to your ads? Bonus points for responses that include an online ad horror story.

It was a small world after all

When she told me she might be pregnant, I knew I had made a big mistake.

Angela called me one evening a few weeks after she decided Andrew really wasn’t her boyfriend. I was still a bit shell shocked by the idea that she was dating my buddy, and now all of a sudden she’s suggesting to me, a guy she barely knows, that she might be pregnant with my buddy’s child. She had to know I would call Andrew, right? (I didn’t.)

For the life of me I can’t figure out why Angela would suggest to Andrew’s friend that she might be pregnant by him. It defies logic, but most good stories defy logic in some way, shape or form.

So why was Angela telling this to me? Let’s back up a bit and remember what life was like in the early days of online dating.

Before eHarmony was a household name there weren’t a billion online dating sites to choose from. If you wanted to scour the Internet for Catholic, Jewish or atheist singles, you didn’t have a specific online destination.

Craig’s List perfected the art of free online classified ads for everything from casual encounters to long-term relationships. But Craig’s List certainly wasn’t the first site helping you find your soul mate via the Internet, sans a monthly membership fee. In the early days of the Internet AOL was king, and it provided plenty of local news, information and services through its Digital City brand. That local service included free online personal ads.

In the spring of 2000 I dabbled with Digital City’s free online ads. Already a skeptic of the personal ad culture, I voyeuristically read the ads from single women in the Twin Cities. I was intrigued by a woman named Susie, and responded to her ad. We chatted by email for a while, yet for reasons I don’t recall, our correspondence ended. She candidly told me about her experiences with the ad she placed, and I eagerly absorbed it. (The one thing I remember specifically, 11 years later, was her description of the outfit she wore on a date. She called it a black FM dress.)

 I never met Susie. She was a few years older than me, and a lawyer. She seemed out of my league. I was a 29-year-old working professional, but I wasn’t much more than an older version of a 23-year-old college graduate. I hadn’t matured much during my 20s, even though I’d already suffered heartbreak I never fathomed possible during my college years. (I can’t explain that heartbreak, either, but it was ridiculously stupid in retrospect.)

Back in 2000 we didn’t have cougars. Sure, “American Pie” gave us MILFs, but the cougar lifestyle hadn’t been glorified at that point. Even though I sensed Susie was intrigued by me, I never seriously considered meeting her. (I just tried emailing her via her old AOL address, which I remember to this day. Surprise! She no longer uses it.)

Instead I met Angela. I responded to Angela’s ad. She replied.

We ended up chatting by phone, and I quickly learned that she had started dating Andrew. She never mentioned him by name, but she made it clear that she had started dating a guy she met through her ad. We had a second phone conversation about a week later and she started referring to Andrew as her boyfriend. At this point I wasn’t interested in chatting with her on a regular basis if she thought she was in a committed relationship, so I wished her well and told her to give me a call if things didn’t work out with her new boyfriend.

She called me about a week later. She was having doubts about her boyfriend. He was busy and giving her excuses as to why he couldn’t see her on a regular basis. There was something during the conversation that triggered my spider-sense. I asked a few questions and learned that her boyfriend was a guy named Andrew, living in St. Paul.

My buddy Andrew, the guy I played darts with most Thursday nights, also lived in St. Paul. Andrew and I didn’t know each other that well, we’d met through mutual friends a couple of years prior, but I knew him to be a serial dater who was quick to use the Internet to meet women. And I hated him for it. He’s a good-looking, charismatic guy who did just fine without online personal ads, but as they say, the rich get richer.

I was rather certain Angela was dating my friend. She noted that she had his picture as the wallpaper of her computer. This was 2000, before everyone and their sister had a digital camera. Jpegs weren’t passed around like pitchers of beer at a frat party in those days.

Despite the fact it was unwise for a woman to invite a guy she had never met to her apartment building, she invited me to her new apartment so I could see the picture of Andrew. Sure enough, she was dating my friend. I didn’t know what to tell her. She thought she had a boyfriend after a couple of dates, and I highly doubted it.

I drove home that night wondering how I wound up connecting with a woman who was dating my friend. I took it as a sign that I wasn’t meant for the world of online personal ads. She was the first person I had met through an online ad and what did I get for my effort? One hell of an awkward situation.

Angela invited me to have lunch with her a few weeks later. She decided Andrew wasn’t boyfriend material after all and must have decided I was worth pursuing. Against my better judgment I had lunch with her, but the weirdness of our situation was something I couldn’t overcome. (I did see her one more time, and that triggered an unexpected encounter with a co-worker. Perhaps I’ll share that tale another day.)

 I don’t remember where I had left things with Angela when she called me to tell me she might be pregnant, but that was the point where things went from ridiculous to sublime. And no, I don’t think she was ever pregnant with Andrew’s child.

That was my first experience with online dating, way back in 2000. If that wasn’t enough to scare me away then I’m an idiot.

Here I am, 11 years later, writing about relationships, dating and painful memories from my past. I have dabbled with online personal ads over the years, but never seriously. I have had my share of relationships, but once again I am single. I’m 40, tired and more fascinated by people than ever. I plan to share stories and insight from my life, but I also want to share the observations and experiences of my readers. My life is mildly interesting, but yours is probably far more colorful than mine, and I hope to learn about it as I write this periodic column.

And please tell me I’m not the only one to have met an Angela.

Want to share your thoughts and opinions about Angela, Andrew or my extreme misfortune? Need to vent your frustrations about the single men or women in your city? Want to buy me a drink? Leave a comment below or send me a private message. Hey, this ain’t no advice column. I really am as dumb as I look.