I’ve read more personal ads than I care to admit, but confession is good for the soul, so here it goes.
Once upon a time personal ads were limited to the printed page. Back in the late 1990s I read plenty of free 35-word ads in City Pages, a Minneapolis alternative newspaper. (The alternative media, Jerry. That’s where you hear the truth.) I even placed one of those ads, and thought I hit the jackpot when I met Mary. She didn’t feel the same way, evidently.
Since the demise of newspaper personal ads I have viewed hundreds of online ads on both free dating sites and members-only sites, such as match.com. Many paid sites will let you register and browse for free, and that’s all you need to do to find out which of the office MILFs is trolling online for Mr. Perfect. If you work in a large office setting, I recommend playing that game, I can just about guarantee you’ll find Betty in accounting or Chuck in IT.
Most of the ads I’ve read are from women seeking men, but I have read more than a few ads by men seeking women. Call it market research, scouting the competition or a self-esteem boost, it doesn’t matter to me. All I know is that there are 10 types of men who respond to personal ads. Or am I wrong?
These aren’t mutually exclusive. Here’s what I have come up with:
1. The young and fun guy. He’s typically in his 20s, perhaps a college graduate and lines up with about 1,000 other guys in his demographic for a $5 beer at an overcrowded, overhyped party bar on the weekend. He knows a ton of people, is connected to thousands more via social networks and could get a date any time he wanted. What he typically doesn’t admit to himself is that those potential dates usually aren’t old enough to hang at the bar with him. If confronted with the fact he has an online ad he’ll blow it off as if it was a lark after a night of mas Coronas.
2. The socially conscious guy. He doesn’t believe in the trendy trappings that entice the young and fun guy, he has reached a higher state of consciousness. He might be in his 20s, but there are plenty of guys in their 30s who buy vintage button downs at the secondhand store, too. He’s looking to meet his soul mate at a coffee shop, environmental rally or indie rock concert, but he’s open to meeting a like-minded, quasi-political woman online.
3. The outdoorsman. He’s a laborer during the week, hunter and angler on the weekend. He’s a good guy to know if you need new brake pads for your Pontiac or a ceiling fan installed. He may be a rugged outdoorsman, but unlike his ancestors, he has adapted to modern times. He has a depth finder and underwater camera for the boat, as well as a GPS receiver in his Smartphone. That Smartphone also enables him to dabble in online dating. He is looking for an all-American woman. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older, as it takes several years of employment to afford the truck, boat and snowmobile.
4. The road warrior. He’s not an outlaw biker, but he plays one on the streets and highways of your city. Whether it’s a crotch rocket for cruising around the metropolitan area or a Harley for weekends spent cruising the highways and byways of America, he lives to ride, and rides to live. He likes selling his bad boy persona, even though he is likely confined by the same socio-economic trappings as everyone else. Hence he finds his way to an online dating site. A younger warrior likely favors a crotch rocket, an older warrior usually rides a Harley since they’re typically easier on his back.
5. The successful guy. This guy defies logic, as he is successful in most everything he does. He has a great job, drives a nice car and is well connected to a network of equally successful working professionals. There’s no challenge this guy can’t conquer, yet somehow true love has eluded him. He’d probably tell you that because he has been so busy succeeding in every aspect of his life he just hasn’t had the time to meet the right person. He may be right, but more than likely it’s no accident that he is single. If he’s not looking for his female counterpart then he’s looking for a trophy wife who will put him on a pedestal. Occasionally this role is played by a guy in his late 20s, but this is more often the domain of guys in their 30s and 40s.
6. The hopeless romantic. This guy has so much to give, and will pour his heart out in a personal ad, or response to yours. He may very well be a nice guy with plenty to offer, but he lacks a certain something, perhaps through no fault of his own. He is likely looking for a woman in a similar situation to his. These guys tend to be in their 30s or older and are using online ads out of a sense of desperation. They don’t want life to pass them by.
7. The doting father. These guys are in their 20s or 30s. They are relationship veterans, typically, and won’t let their parenting responsibilities interfere with their personal life. They don’t neglect their children, but they don’t have custody of them, so they tend to think of themselves as single guys with no strings attached when they set out to begin a new life. They’re the male version of born-again virgins and not that interested in dating women with children.
8. The second lifer. The second lifer may also be the successful guy, hopeless romantic or road warrior. What sets them apart from their contemporaries is that they’ve already experienced the circle of life. They have adult children and are looking to start anew. Some set theirs sites on a younger woman, others are interested in women their age, so long as they’re camera ready for a future installment of Real Housewives of New Jersey. If a second lifer is 48 years old, he won’t date a 48-year-old woman if she looks 48. If he’s looking for love online, appearance is highly important to him.
9. The retiree. Increasingly people in their 60s and 70s are turning to online personals to find that second or third spouse, ideally the last one they’ll ever need. They’re often online because they want access to pictures of their grandchildren on Facebook, but once they learn their way around the Internet they learn there’s online love available to them, too. A retiree is not likely to kid himself, he’s not going to try to sell himself to women half his age. If he could afford to be a sugar daddy, he wouldn’t be wasting his time online.
10. The dirtbag. The dirtbag may disguise himself as the young and fun guy, successful guy or the hopeless romantic. What sets him apart from all the rest is that he’s only looking to get in a woman’s pants. The term player is sometimes used to describe a dirtbag, yet by definition a player isn’t a dirtbag, so long as he is playing with other players. When a player misleads a woman who is looking for a relationship, he ascends to the dirtbag throne. The epitome of the dirtbag is the guy who is married or has a girlfriend but doesn’t let the technicality that is a wife or girlfriend interfere in his extra-curricular activities. Unlike players, a cheater who seeks out his female counterpart isn’t exempt from the dirtbag crown.
So, who did I miss?
Guys, what types of women have you found through online ads? Women, did I miss a category of men who respond to your ads? Bonus points for responses that include an online ad horror story.
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